


sleeping deeply (or hiding from pain)

by spibby



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Meta, Gen, Literal Sleeping Together, Nott and Caleb Talk, but also like, but some is quoted from the show, nott centric, really a piecemeal mess, references to the majority of c2, spoilers up to episode 71, there's not much of a plot here folks, theres not a lot of dialogue, theyre mild spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:42:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spibby/pseuds/spibby
Summary: Caleb sleeps, as one might expect, a bit like a cat. He can doze off in almost any place, but noises and movements startle him awake with a jolt or a soft Zemnian curse. Nott learns this early on, and practices her silent entrances and exits to their shared room until she can come and go unnoticed with ease. One of the few benefits of being goblin-sized, she supposes. Caleb never outright comments on his sleeping habits, nor her natural adjustments made for his sake, but sometimes he wakes up and offers a sheepish smile and a gentle squeeze of her hand, and it’s enough.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Nott & Caleb Widogast, Yeza Brenatto/Nott
Comments: 9
Kudos: 101





	sleeping deeply (or hiding from pain)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote half of this last February and the other half today, so take that for what you will. I just love Nott a lot, really, so this was just an excuse to think about her more. I've never written for CR before, so please let me know if you enjoy!

Caleb sleeps, as one might expect, a bit like a cat. He can doze off in almost any place, but noises and movements startle him awake with a jolt or a soft Zemnian curse. Nott learns this early on, and practices her silent entrances and exits to their shared room until she can come and go unnoticed with ease. One of the few benefits of being goblin-sized, she supposes. Caleb never outright comments on his sleeping habits, nor her natural adjustments made for his sake, but sometimes he wakes up and offers a sheepish smile and a gentle squeeze of her hand, and it’s enough.

He’s fallen asleep everywhere from the cold cobblestone of a back alley to the countless fire-warmed tables in taverns they find themselves in for drink and a bit of food. Nott always lets him rest, unless the need to leave becomes dire, as often happens when two criminal types like them loiter around the same podunk town for too long. He never wakes grumpy, at least no more than usual. Instead, Caleb wakes up ready to run, as if his natural instinct is to bolt first and ask questions later. Sometimes, when she takes the time to think about it, this makes Nott a little sad, the idea of her boy living life always on the move. Usually, though, she just appreciates the speedy getaway.

Then the others come, and the two start spending more time in rooms with _beds_ and _various blankets_! Caleb’s sleeping habits improve a bit. 

“There’s safety in numbers,” he always says, and she agrees mostly because of the way he stands noticeably more relaxed, the way his hands fidget less, the way his eyes soften in their shared down time. 

“There’s safety in numbers,” she repeats, “We can leave anytime,” which, of course, she means as _let’s stay_ , and _I like them,_ and _I know you do, too._

The first time he hugs another member of the group, Beau of all people, he sleeps heavily through the night, like a pleased child tuckered out from a good day. It helps, probably, that he almost died while fighting, but seeing as that happens with fair regularity, Nott recognizes the change for what it really is. He rose early, earlier, even, than Nott herself, an unusual occurrence as she never liked to leave him alone for too long. Even as they continue their travels, he seems to be getting better. Happier, maybe. Nott notices this with no small amount of pride, a sort of warm swelling in her chest, barely familiar and achingly bittersweet. They stop in the city of Hupperdook and Caleb competes in the drinking contest, he wins, and Nott does too, and he dances, and they sleep and it’s good, even when they lose all their money. It’s the most fun Nott has ever had, and the closest she has ever felt to a group of this size, and she treasures the way that Caleb seems to open up more, to her, yes, but also to the others. They’re happy, and Nott feels invincible. 

Then half their group gets stolen in the night, a cruel joke turned stone cold, because suddenly Mollymauk Tealeaf lies dead in the street. Suddenly, everything has changed. 

Suddenly, Caleb stops sleeping. 

Getting the others back helps, especially when he finally works out how to make their sleeping arrangements a little more defendable. Spurred on by recent events and pleased that he might be able to keep them all a little safer from now on, Nott watches as Caleb falls asleep for the first time in a few days in the living room of a recently exterminated group of human traffickers. 

The new one, Caduceus Clay, curls in on himself on Caleb’s left, so Nott snuggles into his right and watches. She knows the worst is yet to come, _gods, Yasha…,_ but her best friend is sleeping and the firbolg snores a bit and the noise drowns out the hole that Molly left. 

Things start to normalize again after that. Even Yasha’s coming and going feels expected and usual, though without Molly, Nott thinks she might talk a bit less. Caduceus is tall, but he’s gentle, and Nott learns to stop staring, though he only ever smiles when he sees her doing it. 

Soon enough they’re in Nicodranus, and then they’re on the _sea,_ and Nott _hates it,_ she can barely function and so she drinks and drinks and drinks. She and Caleb share their quarters on the ship, but she’s the one startled to consciousness most nights. Caleb doesn’t ask, but after the second night he crawls into her bunk gracelessly and without a word. It doesn’t stop the nightmares or the fear but when she wakes now she can just curl herself into his coat and keep her eyes closed and pretend. 

“They don’t know,” she thinks. She tries not to resent Fjord for his role in all this, but it’s hard when he acts the way he does. She wants to yell at him, wants to give him a hard time for pretending to be more confident than he is, for lying about gods know what, for putting her in the fucking water all the time. They don’t know. 

On the bad nights, Nott unwraps herself from Caleb’s endless layers of clothing and sits in the corner. Frumpkin always finds his way into her lap, and the cat doesn’t offer much comfort but he’s warm, so she doesn’t even pretend to want to eat him. 

“Spatz,” Caleb mumbles in the mornings and squeezes her shoulder. Nott finds herself misty eyed, sleepless and rubbed raw, but she swallows more from her flask and moves on. They fight pirates, almost die, escape. Back at the coast they hear of an attack on Felderwin.

They all turn to her. She tries not to fall apart. They go to Felderwin. 

Nott feels itchy as they approach the town she grew up in. She’s stuck between wishing she had told them about her past before and wishing it would never come up. 

“Where’s my son?”

“Veth Brenotto”

“ _Your_ people.”

They all turn to her. She tries not to fall apart. They go to Xhorhas.

Those weeks of travel feel like a fever dream, hazy and incomplete. Moments of clarity, the sound of Beau reading and Jester singing and Caleb counting hours, but mostly darkness and worry gnawing at her. Regret, at this juncture, feels like a small pit amongst shards of glass, present but less painful. Later, she thinks, later I’ll talk to him. Caleb. Bren. _Caleb_. They share the hut, but they don’t sleep quite the same. Nott can’t be bothered to monitor the group’s breathing anymore, just drinks herself to sleep. Jester, sweet and wonderful, messages Yeza every night that she can. 

So much happens so quickly with this group, Nott thinks. Queens, favors, beacons… she doesn’t care about any of it, not really, not the way Caleb seems to. Suddenly they’re walking to the cells, and rescuing her husband becomes a reality and the world comes into sharp focus again. 

Yeza has always been wonderful. She never expected him to accept her in her current body, but he surprises her again. The glass in her stomach vanishes. They bring him to their new Xhorhouse and, eventually, return him to Nicodranas and to their son. Nott feels at ease for the first time in forever. Yeza and Luc know she’s alive, they’ve reunited and are safe. Everything feels perfect. 

The pit in her stomach remains. Now, she thinks, I’ll talk to him now.

Caleb had been, frankly, pretty awkward since her husband came around. If he weren’t Caleb, she would’ve made a joke about jealousy. If he weren’t Caleb, and, of course, if she weren’t Nott. Change is hard for him, but he’s been so kind to her and to Yeza and Luc. She feels warm when she sees it, glad that she found him, glad that he remains a big part of her life even after everything. They never talked about Felderwin, but she knows it doesn’t matter now. Everything happens so quickly with this group. 

She pulls Caleb aside, trying to find the words that fit what she wants to ask and why she has to ask it. 

“Why would you come back with us?” Caleb says, a suggestion really, one that shows he knows her well enough to understand her half-starts and rambling.

“I don’t know,” she responds, but she’s smiling a little. Part of her wishes he hadn’t asked, that he would’ve refused to let her leave, but she knows it’s part of who he is to ignore what he wants if it’s what’s best for her. They haven’t spoken like this for weeks, and suddenly she’s saying everything she’s wanted to for a long time. Admitting her selfishness to Caleb feels like a relief after all this time. He doesn’t have the answer she wants, she knew he wouldn’t, but he puts words to 

“If you are asking me if I would help you, of course I would.” 

“I have great loyalty to you.”

“And… I would hate to see you go. But that’s… selfish.” 

Nott laughs a little, emotional and tired, so tired, because she wants everything and she no longer knows what that means. How could she leave the Nein after all this time? It’s impossible. How could she leave her family, without even the assured promise of fixing what has gone so wrong? When did the world get so complicated? 

“I promise to do all I can, if you want me to,” Caleb says meaningfully, and that’s all she could ask, so she thanks him. It’s not quite enough, but it’s more than she had.

Later, when she talks to her husband, he tells her the other half of what she needed to hear. She doesn’t know how she managed to find such amazing people, nor how she managed to win their love and loyalty, but Yeza understands. She wants her body back, yes, but more than that she wants to fix the problems they’ve stumbled across. She wants to come back in her proper form, with their home safer than before. 

Caleb draws his sigils on the floor. He speaks with Luc in a voice Nott isn’t sure she’s heard before, one that makes her think of home, warmth, and family. 

Then, he turns to her. She tries not to fall apart. They make their way back to Xhorhas. 

As always, they thrust themselves into chaos, teleporting to volcanoes, breaking pacts with eldritch beings, the usual. The next time the Nein settle down to rest, Nott makes sure to find her way over to Caleb and curls against his back. She breathes a little easier. For the first time in what feels like a long, long time, the two drift into a mostly peaceful sleep, together. 


End file.
